I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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