franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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