Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
