I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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