I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
