Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
