So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
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This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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