people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
