I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
