seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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