fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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