I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
