Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
