Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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