I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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