so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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