maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
