I'm an idiot
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.