I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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