i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.