dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
