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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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