I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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