I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
