The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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