Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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