I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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