It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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