I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
where does the pee come out of this thing
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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