Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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