Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
