Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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