my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
