i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Someone came in the potted fern
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
