When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
