He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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