I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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