apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
