Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
