M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
