I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
