my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
