You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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