How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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