its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
