Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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