Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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