3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
