what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
