bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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