Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
