I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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