I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
