who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
