I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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