He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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